Three weeks is all I have left until my hubby comes home. My husband has been away at Police Academy for 8 months. He comes home on the weekends but with school being three hours away, he’s home for a day before he leaves again. It is like he is coming and going and going and coming as quickly as he came. This experience has touched my heart in so many ways. I have learned so much. I now appreciate my husband and the role God has place in him for our marriage. I have also have had the blessing to understand and appreciate my place in this marriage as well. God has truly touch both of our hearts.
I guess this brings me to my actual story. I have only come back to my faith about a year and a half ago at this point. I have learned so much and I have been happier than I have ever been and I know that it is because of my faith. This has only increased my faith. I am truly amazed everyday for the wonderful blessings that God has placed in my life.
One of my biggest problems has always been submitting to my husband. I have always run our home and he ran the other parts of our life. Our roles never crossed and I never knew how much stress and pressure he is under all the time until he was gone, but I will get to that. I have a large and in charge kind of personality, I consider myself a natural born leader but so is my husband. Now I know now how much I stunted his growth and blocked the his path to God in my selfishness. It was like we were both working on making our sections of our marriage better but we were not working together.
Once he was gone and I managed to get back to normal and deal with the new circumstances, I began to adjust to trying to keep myself busy. I did not know that this desire to keep busy was the Holy Spirit working in my life but we rarely notice these sort of things at the time. I was recently out of work before my husband left and God had called me to do more charity work. With my mother having MS I began to do work for the MS Society. I was successful and it gave me something to focus on as my husband was gone. I continued to do more charity work and eventually ended up sitting on a board for our local republican women’s group. I was actually out there doing great things in the community and promoting being a good Christian (Catholic) and I was so happy that my professional life was going so well. School started back up again and along with my college classes I started teaching Sunday School at my church. I just continued to do God’s work and it was making me happy in my professional life so I continued to run with it.
However my married life…….
It is hard when your husband is gone. It is frustrating. I began to notice all the things he did that I didn’t even realized piled up when he wasn’t here. Things like the trash, the lawn, our wood pile, the list goes on. Those things began to pile up. I began to resent him for not being there to help me with the most trivial of things. But it gets worse…..
That resentment began to grow, as the enemy preyed on my hurt and resentment, it only got worse. I knew that Ephesians 5 tells me that my husband is supposed to love me like Christ love the church. I had so much going on in my professional and personal life and I wanted (no NEEDED) my husband’s support. He was as supportive as one can be from afar but that was not good enough for me and my resentment continued to grow.
Then the fighting started….
“You’re not there” I would say “You do not know what I am dealing with” and he would respond “Actually I do and I am going through a lot can you stop being so selfish” and I think you get the point that this argument eventually ended up pretty badly both of us sorry and of course off he would go again. And of course more RESENTMENT.
I was being selfish. My husband was trying to lead our family from a far and I was just ignoring him. It is crazy how the enemy convinces us so quickly to stray. What I did not know was my husband was also building resentment. However I thank God he is level headed enough to still guide us even through all of my insanity.
Then last week, I had a revelation. Well first I threw a tantrum and then I had a revelation. You see my husband was going to get his state police assignment. I wanted it be somewhere else. He wanted to stay local. When he called me all excited that he is station locally and that this is what’s best for us and he is so happy blah blah blah blah. Well I just flipped out. “This is bs and I am not happy whine whine whine whine” . Finally after a few minutes of me being ungrateful my husband put his foot down. “This is what God wants for us, this is what I think is best for our family, and you’re just going to have to calm down and accept that this is what is happening.” Of course I hung up on him.
Well as I was driving the two hour trip to meet with him that weekend, God touched my heart. I realized that I was not submitting to God. I was going off of what I wanted and of my worldly desires. That is not what it means to me to be a Christian. We live in a world we chose to be not part of because we chose to be obedient to God. It is a commitment that I understood when I made but living it was not easy! I began to dwell on that thought for a moment. Then my husband’s words came back to me “This is what God wants for us and this what I think is best for our family”. It played over and over in my head like a broken record for what seemed like forever but was actually 20 minutes. I realized. I was not submitting to God.
I was shocked. My marriage aside when I submitted to God and what he wanted for my life things were great. I learned that even with my husband not there I still had God to lean on and he did amazing things in my life. Why couldn’t I submit now? Resentment. My resentment had built up so much that I wanted nothing to do with my marriage and I was completely withdrawn myself from my faith. With all the work I was doing I was going through the motions. I need to submit to God, when I did my life was better. I then realized that meant allowing my husband to lead our family.
I realized that instead of resenting him and our situation, I needed to see this as a blessing. I am so blessed to have a husband that loves me like Christ. I am blessed that my husband takes his role as our leader seriously and always does what he thinks is best for us. Even if that means sacrificing a year of his life so that our lives can be better for years to come. Resentment leads to that selfishness I was talking about. I also realized that I now understand why God calls our husbands to lead and why we are meant to support them .
You see my husband heads our home and with out him to lead our family things spiraled. Part of this I believe was God teaching me to be more appreciative of everything my husband does. He carries the stress and heavy work load of our house so that I do not have too. So I can focus on what I need to be doing and with him gone, I lost that opportunity. Wow, I was selfish. I can not believe that instead of counting my blessings I was allowing these same blessings to tear us apart.
This of course lead to doubting myself as a wife. I was reading an article and it was concerning Proverbs 31. I do not remember why but I grabbed my Bible and began to read. I realized. That I was the woman God wanted me to be. I was being the proper wife and my husband valued me. God valued me, and the I was touched by the Holy Spirit. I valued me.
So as I was busy trying to control everything, God was teaching me what it means to submit. From this experience I have learned that no matter how much we want to control things, if we take our husbands out of the equation that is our family, it falls apart. As a wife I am the foundation for which my husband stands on so that he can lead our family in the direction that God wants to take us. I proud to say that today I try to submit to God and my husband a little more everyday and that resentment has finally dissipated.