I walk for MA!

I am so happy to share with everyone that I am doing the Walk Ms Salisbury 2016. My very good friend Jenn, happens to be MRS. Maryland United States and has been absolutely amazing with all the effort she has put in to help with me with a cause that is so important to me. So has the rest of my family and friends who have given so much of their time, energy, and donations. Walk MS Salisbury 2016 is a fundraiser being held locally near me. It is hosted by The National MS Society Maryland-DC Chapter. The event Manager Whitney Pogwist, has also been extremely supportive with resources, ideas, and of course her time as well. I am very proud to be working with a large group of AMAZING people who have all pitched in to reach the goal of one day having a world free of MS. I guess this is the part where I have tell you why I walk. This is very personal to me and I will probably cry while writing this a few times. So please forgive me if I get too sappy, I am usually not like this. I walk for MA! I love my mother dearly, she has been sick since 1998, I was eight years old when she was diagnosed. Ma has always been a special person to me, we have our differences but she has always held a place in my heart only a mother can hold. I remember when my mother was first diagnosed. We had a lot of things going in our family at the time 1998, was a hard year for our family, but we made it through. Not in one piece but we made it. I think my first memory of my mom having MS, was her first MS attack. It was so scary, I know it sounds immature to explain it that way but that is how my eight year old brain chose to remember it. MS had struck my mother down. She couldn’t walk, talk, or speak. I did not know if she was going to pull through. I did not really understand what was going on at the time. So some of the information I am sharing is also said in hind sight. What I did know at the time was she couldn’t walk or talk and she was unable to move. I do not remember how long she was like that I was young, my mother did pull through though! Which brings me to my next memory of Ma’s MS. I will never forget this day and I can still see the image as if it happened yesterday! I came home from school and I walked inside my home, there was my mother, (she was just receiving her iv medications but I was terrified) all I could see were all these needles and what looked like wires coming out of my mother. I was petrified. Of course she said it was okay and she was able to calm me. I can not ever forget that moment. Not ever! This was the moment, that I realized that this disease, this bastard of disease, was going to kill my mother. What hurts me even more about this memory, is not the fact that I now understood that my mother’s mortality, it was the fact that I now knew that this “MS” was going to kill her and it was going to take it’s time. My next most vivid memory of her MS, is about a year later, when her MS went into remission, she took me to DISNEY WORLD!!!!!! We went in early March. We could not go in the summer time, because MA would not be able to stand the heat. So my mother planned this awesome Disney vacation for just the two of us. It rained the entire trip. It rained so bad the half the rides were closed. MA did not care we going to do Disney world! I was so mad. I remember yelling at her and being angry with her that we had to go to Disney in what was practically the middle of winter. I wanted to be out of the rain and MA did not care, we went on every ride, saw every character. Our trip had a rocky start, but it is one of my favorite memories of Ma and I. A few weeks ago her and I had a conversation. I really do wish I could see her more, but she can live in my state because the humidity will make her sick. So phone conversations is all we have at the moment. We were joking and laughing about that story and how I was mad. We laughed for twenty minutes at least! Once our laughter had ceased she said to me “I wanted to take you to Disney while I could still walk, I didn’t think and I did not get another opportunity.” I sighed to myself and said ” I know Ma, I knew it then I just didn’t understand your level of pain. It was not until a few months ago that I even understood, what an effort that was for you. Ma I knew then that was why we were at Disney and even though I HATED walking in everywhere in the pouring rain, I did enjoy our trip and our time.” You see, a few months ago I was in a bad car accident. I injured my shoulders, knee, and my lower back. The injury causes me to have nueropathy in my feet and hands. For those of you who do not know the technical term you may know it as pins and needles, or the tingles as I call them . My feet and hands fall asleep and sometimes it can go on for hours. I remember one night the pain was awful for me. I was crying pain I could not move. My husband came to comfort me he asked me what was wrong and if he could help me. I remember looking up at him and my thoughts ran back to Disney world. I began to sob uncontrollably. I said to him “My mom feels like this every day, every day! She used say I can’t, and I used to get so frustrated. I wanted her to be better! I did not want her to be sick or feel pain. I would not wish this on my worst enemy!!!” After I had calmed down I called MA, who hates talk to about being sick, she does not want upset me. I apologized “Ma, I am so sorry I did not know it hurt this bad, I just wanted you to keep trying I did not want you to let your sickness beat you! I wanted you to be better.” Of course Ma, who did not want me to be upset said “It is okay babe, I am okay.” She calmed me down and we hung up the phone. “OK”, what a general term that is. By definition Secondary Progressive MS, is not the worst thing in the world, but it is certainly not okay. MS is a bastard, I know that it is not fair to real bastards for me to say that but I digress. I lie awake at night and wonder if my mom will see my children. I remember how bad I cried because she was took sick to come to my wedding, that she was not cleared to fly. What’s worse was she was going to had the doctor not forced her not too. I know MA cries too, because she’s in pain, because its awful it is absolutely awful, I can’t blame her for being depressed some days or every day. Because of my car accident, I now have to have an MRI done of my brain, to rule out MS as possibility. It is more for insurance purposes, so the insurance company can not absolved themselves of responsibility. A friend of mine, who’s father has MS were having a conversation years ago, “I will never be tested Id for MS, if it happens it happens, but I do not want to know if it is going to happen” Later in the conversation we talked about (what I am sure most people who are related to some one with MS feel) the anxiety that comes with this. Foot falls asleep, lose your balance, dizzy, can’t remember, having trouble getting up. Any of these thoughts can run through our head at any moment. It is completely irrational, but the feeling and the fear is always thee. I am crying now just thinking about. MS is awful I do not want anyone to go through what Ma goes through, especially MA! I do not want some one else’s child to feel the way that I feel. Like I said I would not wish this on anyone. I love my mother, and I do feel that MS has stolen her from me. I that eventually it will steal her from me completely and never give her back. This is why I walk! I walk for MA. I walk for every person who fakes through the pain so they can play with their child. I walk for every kid who has or will lose a parent to MS. I walk for a cure! I do not want to see anyone go through what Ma and I go through. I do not want to see any one lose, a mother, a father, a friend, a grandparent, or any other special or amazing person in their life. I love Ma and I hope we can find a cure, I hope she is able to see it. I pray for her to see it. I pray for her to see my children. I hate MS! I do however love my mother, and I have nothing but love and empathy for anyone else who is in our position, even if it not MS and is another chronic illness. I love you Ma, and I do this for you, I wish I could do more, I wish I can save you but I can’t. But I CAN and WILL fight for a world free of MS. For a world where no other child or parent has to feel the way that we feel. I love you so much Ma! I hope you read this. I have never spoken truer words. I know it will probably won’t be today I know it hurts you to sit in the computer chair, but I love you and I walk for you!

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